Understanding the Wheel of Consent: Why Giving and Receiving Are Not Always the Same
Many of us grow up learning about consent in simple terms. We are taught that consent means saying "yes" or "no", respecting boundaries, and ensuring that everyone agrees before something happens.
These are important foundations. But consent is more nuanced than permission alone.
The Wheel of Consent, developed by Betty Martin, offers a way of understanding the different roles we move between during touch and intimacy. It helps us recognise that giving, receiving, wanting and allowing are not always the same thing.
For many people, this framework can be both illuminating and surprisingly challenging. It invites us to ask questions that we may never have considered before.
Giving, receiving and everything in between
Imagine giving your partner a massage.
At first glance, it might seem obvious that you are giving and they are receiving.
But who is the massage actually for?
Perhaps you genuinely enjoy caring for your partner and the act of giving feels nourishing to you. Perhaps your partner has asked for the massage because it helps them relax. Perhaps both are true.
The Wheel of Consent encourages us to become more aware of whose needs are being met, who is making the choice, and whether everyone involved is participating freely.
These distinctions can feel subtle, but they often reveal patterns that have developed over many years.
Why this matters
Many of us have learned to prioritise other people's comfort over our own.
Some people find themselves saying "yes" when they mean "not really."
Others rarely ask for what they want because it feels selfish, uncomfortable or unfamiliar.
Some discover that they are very comfortable giving, but struggle to receive.
Others feel responsible for managing another person's emotions or expectations.
None of these patterns mean that something is wrong. They are often understandable responses to our experiences, relationships, family dynamics or cultural messages about gender, sexuality and care.
The Wheel of Consent offers a language for exploring these patterns without judgement.
Beyond sexual intimacy
Although the Wheel of Consent is often discussed in the context of sex, its principles extend far beyond the bedroom.
They can shape how we:
ask for help
accept care from others
set boundaries
navigate conflict
express affection
negotiate touch
communicate our needs
recognise when we are acting from obligation rather than choice
The framework reminds us that consent is not a single conversation. It is an ongoing practice of awareness, communication and mutual respect.
Curiosity over performance
Many people arrive in therapy believing they need to become "better" at communication, desire or intimacy.
The Wheel of Consent offers a different starting point.
Rather than asking whether you are doing relationships correctly, it asks whether you understand your own experience.
Can you recognise what you genuinely want?
Can you notice when you are saying yes because it feels expected?
Can you receive care without feeling guilty?
Can you ask for something simply because you would enjoy it?
These are not questions with right or wrong answers. They are an opportunity and an invitation to become more aware of yourself and your relationships.
Bringing the Wheel into therapy
At Radical Embrace, the Wheel of Consent is one of many frameworks that may be used to explore intimacy, communication and relationships.
It is never applied as a set of rules or a test to pass. Instead, it provides a shared language for understanding patterns, increasing awareness and creating more intentional choices.
For some people, this work supports more satisfying sexual experiences. For others, it changes the way they communicate, set boundaries or relate to themselves.
Wheel of Consent A4 handout to try at home can be found here and some of Betty's videos are available below and at her website.
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